Finding Our Way To You

I never write about personal events in my life. I like to keep my life private but this journey was too good to not share. I also wanted to use this as a way to talk about my infertility which is something most people keep quiet, in hopes that people will not feel so alone in their journey to a baby.

After my hubby and I got married we couldn't wait to start a family! I wanted so many little Neal's running around! We got married pretty quick after our engagement so we could start "trying" for a family since I was almost 35. After a few months and nothing.... we were like ok... what's going on? A few close friends and family members got pregnant in this time and we were waiting. We also were very vocal about the it! We told everyone we were going to have kids soon since that is the only question we got asked after being married. (which people should really refrain from asking couples!) Before this happen to us, I didn't understand how this would feel. Every month I got a little crazier, we were on lots of supplements, eating cleaner, drinking less, and trying not to stress (which isn't easy). My whole life, if I worked hard into whatever I wanted, I would get what I wanted. So After about 6 months, we went to the doctor. We didn't get the best news and were sent directly to Dr. Hill who is an IVF doctor. He ran a bunch of test and determined that if we did IVF I would only get 1 or 2 eggs and those odds are not good but to get pregnant naturally our chances were 4% ... We were also paying cash with no help from insurance so it would be an expensive chance with low odds at having a baby. We decide to go for it anyways. We gathered up our life savings and were just waiting for my next cycle to start.... well God had blessed us and I was pregnant! Without IVF and we were soooo happy. We told everyone we were having a miracle baby! I was really sick and it was the beginning of summer so I spent most of the summer relaxing on the couch... sick, but, soooo proud and happy.  It was time for my 8 week doctor appointment where we got to see the little baby on an ultrasound. We were so excited for this appointment and didn't think anything would be wrong. When the US tech started asking me questions, I knew it was a bad sign. Turns out I had a blighted ovum which means the pregnancy grows but there is no baby.

I never took time to grieve the loss.  I know I was just a few months into the pregnancy but what your body and mind goes through in this time is unreal. You create a future life and dream about how things are going to change. Anyways, everyone said we would get pregnant right after... so we just went back to trying. Which in hind sight I wish I took the time to grieve the loss because 4 months later, I did. The repeated disappointment and the loss broke my heart and I was a sad person. If you know me I have a sunny disposition so this was new territory for me.

After a year of eating organic, no sugar or gluten, acupuncture, chiropractor we decided to go back to Dr. Hill at the Fertility center of New England in Portsmouth. It was the day after my 37th birthday and at the visit we decided to start right away. So in July I was full blow and in the the process of IVF. I kept a positive attitude through out the month of shots and this crazy ride. Trying to not focus on what was riding on this. I went to the ocean almost everyday, sat in the sun and did the things that made me happy. We got 6 egg from the retrieval, 4 were mature, 3 fertilized, and 1 became an embryo. After the longest 2 weeks of my life the results came in as we were signing papers for our new house. I WAS PREGNANT! We didn't get too excited as we wanted to wait for our first ultrasound. So after another 3 long weeks of waiting we went into the office at 7am on a Tuesday..... And this is when we got to see her. One of the most beautiful sights to see! Our baby was there growing happy and healthy. After a bunch of tears we sent out our first baby photo to everyone who was along on the journey with us!

Clementine Jane Pawlik was born in April the next year. She was 8 days late, 8 lbs, 10 oz and full of so much life! Giving birth was really an amazing experience! Not only did I feel so accomplished that I grew a human inside of me but it was the end of a long journey. The exciting part was it was the start of a new one. We became a family of 5 (Miles and Ellie need to be included). Some relationships grow a part in tough times so this was a true test on us. It not only brought us closer together I realized what a great partner I have chosen to share my life with. Clementine is so lucky to have this wonderful man as her dad.

The future is bright and Clementine will know one day how much we wanted her. My prayers have been answered and we are for sure going to enjoy the ride. We have so much gratitude for the people who had help and supported us along the way. With the love and support of friends and family we were able to endure this journey. We also had a lot of help from doctors who put us on such a clean living path. This lifestyle will be continued through out our life and we are so grateful for this. :)

I hope in sharing such an intimate part of our lives it give other couples hope that are going through the same thing.